All About Me

Welcome to my Manifesto.

man·i·fes·to - \Man`i*fes"to\, n.;- A public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions, especially of a political nature.

On this page, and on these links, you'll find out what I believe in and maybe even why...

I shall Pursue my own straight course and do what I believe to be right and honorable.
- Colonel-General Heinz Guderian

I do try to live to this, odd as it may seem... I guess my version of right and honorable isn't always mainstream!

"Those who cling to the untrue doctrine that violence never settles anything would be advised to conjure up the ghosts of Napoleon Bonaparte and of the Duke of Wellington and let them debate it. The ghost of Hitler could referee, and the jury might well be the Dodo, the Great Auk, and the Passenger Pigeon. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Nations and peoples who forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms." - Robert A. Heinlein

Thank A Soldier For Your Freedom
By: J. L. Sager

It was a soldier, not a reporter, Who guaranteed freedom of the press.

It was a soldier, not a poet, Who guaranteed freedom of speech.

It was a soldier, not a campus organizer, Who guaranteed freedom to demonstrate.

It was a soldier, not a minister, Who guaranteed freedom to worship.

It was a soldier, not a salesman, Who guaranteed freedom to own property.

It was a soldier, not a travel agent, Who guaranteed freedom to travel.

It is the soldier, not the lawyer, Who give us the right to a fair trial.

It was a soldier, not a politician, Who guaranteed freedom to vote.

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves under the flag, swears to the flag and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows protesters to burn the flag.

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."John Stuart Mill

Notable Notes

•Texas is larger than France, and has a bigger economy.

•If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.

•Racism will die it's own death when we forget to talk about it anymore.

If you want to enjoy your life and have fun, don't have kids till your older. Preferably, don't have kids at all. Kids are money pits, but they also wear you down and change you in ways you would not believe. You won't see the change happening, because you are "in" your life, but it does happen and it usually is not a positive change. If I had a nickel from everyone who told me how they're life would not change when the kid arrived, I'd be rich. Now, to be fair, some folks have a ton of fun with their kids and enjoy the hell out of having them. ALL of these people were NOT in their 20's when they had the kid(s). Take it from me, I'm a non-kid bearing member of society, so I can therefore speak clearly on this.

Where in the Bill of Rights does it say that you or your group have the right to not be offended?


Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a while back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator)
I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!

Rules for Life

((For a time, I had this list attributed to Bill Gates, but it is not from him... my bad.))
RULE 1- Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2- The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3- You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. you wont be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4- If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He/she doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6- If you mess up, its not your parents fault; so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7- Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8- Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9- Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10- Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11- Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot build character by taking away man's initiative. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves." -Abraham Lincoln

The Top 100 Things I'll Do Once I Become An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,"No.'' and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.''
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.''
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says ``I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken alive!''. The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.''
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.'' Instead it will be more along the lines of ``Push the button.''
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few a months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Why Kirk is better than Picard
•Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
•Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
•Kirk has sex more than once a season.
•One Word: Hair.
•Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
•Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare- handed.
•Picard is a French man with an English accent.
•Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
•Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
•Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
•Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
•Two words: Shoulder Roll.
•Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
•Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
•Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
•Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
•Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
•Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
•Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
•Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
•Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
•Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
•Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
•Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
•Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
•Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
•One Word: Velour.
•Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
•When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
•When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
•Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
•One Word: Iman.
•Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
•If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and sh*t down its neck.
•Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
•Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
•Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
•Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
•Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
•Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
•Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
•Kirk is not politically correct.
•Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
•Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
•If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
•Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
•One Word: Miniskirts.
•Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
•Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
•Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
•Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
•The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
•If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
•Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
•Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
•If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
•Picard never met Joan Collins.
•Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
•Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
•Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
•Two Words: Line Delivery.
•Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
•Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
•Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
•Kirk is not put off by green skin.
•Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
•Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
•Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
•Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
•One Word: Fisticuffs.
•Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
•Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
•You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
•Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
•Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
•Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
•Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
•Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
•The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
•Kirk's bridge is not beige.
•Two Words: Crane Shots.
•Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
•Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
•Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
•Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
•Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
•Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
•Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
•Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
•When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
•Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
•Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
•Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
•When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
•Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
•Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
•Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
•Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
•Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
•One Word: Balls.

Even more reasons Kirk is better than Picard

1. Kirk lost nameless ensigns, Picard lost Yar.
2. Kirk dealt with maniacs between meals, Picard couldn't even handle ONE without help.
3. Kirk is an admiral with captains on his bridge, Picard is a captain with Wesley on his.
4. Had Kirk met the Borg Queen, she would have died of a broken heart rather than flesh-consuming plasma.
5. Enterprise could deal with any ship in combat. Enterprise-E could deal with cube but not with a few S'ona.
6. Picard's first officer gets more girls than he does. Kirk in his eternal wisdom, didn't even need a first officer.
7. Kirk had enough personality to run his show. Picard has even less personality than the android on his.
8. Kirk's Chief Engineer could work miracles, Picard's Chief Engineer can only work within regulations.
9. With Kirk, everything could happen. With Picard, there are maybe ten recycled scenarios.
10. Kirk made do with low budget and got loads of viewers. Picard's spend twice as much on special effects and still ratings dropped.
11. Kirk's crew made for interesting humour. The only times Picard's got humour-interesting were with Q.
12. Due to their performance, Kirk's crew starred in episodes of Picard's show. Due to the performance of Picard's crew, there probably won't be a next show for them to star in.