Saturday, January 9, 2016

Citadel Rangefinder - A review of perfection...

  Guys, it isn't often that a product jumps off a store shelf and grabs you by the collar, screaming "BUY ME NOW".  So, when a product does something like that, you pay attention, follow your gut and do what it says.

  Now, to be fair, I have told you guys many times that I am a far better collector than player.  I'm more at home crafting things up, building and painting than leaning across a table staring down an opponent.  That will all change. NOW.

  No more will I ever have to look at a game table and wonder, "will my Stormcast Judicator be able to shoot, should I move, should I stay, I just DON'T KNOW!"  That's usually when I have my breakdown and quit the game, flipping the table in a fit of rage and confusion.  (Lucky for me I solo a lot, so nobody has beaten the shit out of me yet.)

  Well, never again guys.  You tournament players will start to KNOW MY FACE as I start owning your pansy asses.  I have a CITADEL RANGEFINDER.  I know how far things are now.  I know where that Land Raider goes.  I know how to deep strike.  I know when you're in range of my Whirlwind!  I own the landscape, BABY!

  I cannot begin to tell you how cool this thing is.  It is just a tape measure, sure.  But it's a $33(US) tape measure.  You know the minute you pick it up, it's made of pure sigmarite (might be pot metal, not sure...).  It's heavy and it's big.  Too big to game with, that's it's major secret.  It's really heavy, did I mention that?  and Round... yes, round, so if you drop it, it kind of rolls...  Brilliance.  Did I mention it was too big?  The thing is like a hunk of sigmarite-sausage and it weighs 10 freaking pounds.  I think half my opponents fear the idea of me throwing it more than simply losing to me.

  When someone see's you come to the table with your Citadel Rangefinder, they will RUN.  (Someone said they were laughing at me, not running, but I thought I smelled fear).

  And get this...
" the diecast case holds a metal tape measure with markings at the half-inch, three-inch, 12-inch and eighteen-inch points – all the important measurements for combat in games of Warhammer Age of Sigmar! "
  What other tape measure has markings so carefully placed there?   I mean who knew?  Marking a tape measure with... ummm... measurements.  It's a fucking brain exploding idea there.  You're not going to find a tape measure with markings like that at any local freaking hardware store for $2, I'll tell you that right now!   Oh sure, they may have one with inches, and one with CM, maybe even one with both.  But who in hell ever thought of this?  CITADEL DID!  (All you GW haters are pretty envious right now, I bet, cuz you can't buy one.)

  This tape measure has changed my gaming life, I am here to tell you.  Where before I wavered at the sight of opponents, now I stride confidently into the gaming room.  With my Citadel Combat Gauge around my neck and my Rangefinder in hand, I have my opponents quaking in fear.  Most of them cannot bear to look me in the eyes.  (I thought I heard snickering once, but I turned quickly and saw them still shaking...)

Yep, I own the Meta now...

  All these years I have told my wife what 8 inches is like...  Now I can prove it. (Note... I think my own Rangefinder may be a little undercalibrated...)

To anyone who thinks I am even a little serious... Please.  This is a $33 piece of crap tape measure.  Go to a store, spend $2 on a cheap one and the rest on beer.  This thing is a fucking joke.  The worst part?  I actually did buy one to look at and do this review, so who is laughing now?  You guys and GW :)